The Wiggles

Last Friday, two friends and I ventured to the western suburbs to explore Chicagoland's first outpost of Fry's, a California based electronics superstore. It's huge - over 150,000 square feet I believe. To be honest, I wasn't that impressed, since it had most of the same stuff at Best Buy, at the same prices, but with lots of useless crap as well.

As we are on our way out, I see this obnoxious, Volkswagen Bettle-like pastic toy car. Upon closer inspections, I see that four men are stuffed into this small car -- looking a bit too happy to be in such tight quarters -- with big smiles on their faces. Here is a picture of this toy, call the Big Red Car. I pick it up, reading that the four men are known as The Wiggles, which I have come to find out is an children's sing-along group. Sorta like a real-life Teletubbies, I guess. And just about the gayest thing I have ever seen.

The New August

After nearly three weeks of absolutely beautiful weather in Chicago, I propose that September is the new August. September is the most underrated month in Chicago, even though the city decides to close the beaches on Labor Day. I wouldn't be surprised if the average daily high temperature is higher in September this year than in August.

Here are some other "new" things I have overheard lately:

• Wednesday is the new Thursday (overheard from current DePauw students talking about the 'new' bar night)
• 40 is new the 30. (overheard from a 40-something trying to justify his Abercrombie-obsessed lifestyle).
• Florida is the new Kansas (overheard from a weatherman talking about the recent bad luck Florida has had with natural disasters ... yet Kansas has missed tornadoes in the last few years).
• Fat is the new thin. (overheard talking to myself every morning when I look in the mirror).

Any other suggestions? Please comment!

O-blogatory Apology

Yes, I recognize there have not been updates to the blog in over a week. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have not been able to update the blog. Here are some of those circumstances:

• Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime this past weekend.
• My computer caught a cyber-STD from all the pornography that it has downloaded.
• Extended mourning period after the death of Julia Child.
• Busy traveling back and forth from L.A. for the Britney Spears wedding.
• Staying up late at Kinko's trying to replicate old military records.
• Designing my future child's bedroom at The Land of Nod. (Thanks Dustin for showing me the Stupid Pet Tricks Mobile. That will be perfect.)

Thanks for reading. I hope to have more regular updates in the near future.

Homeland Security

For the past two days, my normal 10 minute commute to work has taken 20-30 minutes on the L. Yesterday, the train operator announced there was an "emergency" at the Merchandise Mart station. Well, this morning, the train operator announced that the "Chicago Police are conducting security searches of every train entering the Merchandise Mart station to protect the city from terrorist activities. These random searches will continue on the Brown Line every morning this week."

How random are searches if they are announced for rest of the week? They are six other CTA L lines that run into the Loop, not to mention another 12 Metra commuter rail lines. And, why the Brown Line? Isn't one of the CTA lines that runs underground more of a threat for terrorist activities than an above-ground line? The Brown Line seems quite ripe for terrorism, too. All the trixies in Lincoln Park. Gays in Lakeview. Families in Lincoln Square and Ravenswood. Frankly, I would argue that the Brown Line is generally the "safest" L line. But I am probably fooling myself in this time of elevated terror threats.

According to an article in this morning's Sun-Times, the train searches will continue indefinitely. And the delay should be minimal -- "3 to 5 minutes." Unfortunately, 3 to 5 minutes PER train for each search means that EVERY train will be delayed for that amount of time, and the delays become cumulative - which explains my extra-long commute.

Isn't it a bit ironic that the same day the Bush Administration allowed the ban on semi-automatic guns (AK-47s and the like) expire, the random security searches on Chicago public transit?

Sexual Harassment is in the CTA

As a recently hired employee, I am required to attend a "Sexual Harassment" training course so that I know the different between a good touch and bad touch. My training was scheduled for today, so I head over to the conference room listed in the training notification email, open the door to the windowless conference room, and interrupt what appears to be a important meeting with about 30 people in suits, all staring at me.

Red-faced, I walk over to HR and ask where the Sexual Harassment class is located. They tell me "It's in the CTA." Instead of naming confernce with non-descript names like 17-K, our company uses Chicago landmarks, such as Buckingham Fountain, the Bulls, and the CTA. As I walk past the room where I initially thought our class was held, I notice someone had posted a sign "Sexual Harassment is in the CTA." I'm sure that would be a great advertising slogan for our transit authority.

And what did I learn in our training?

• You can ask a co-worker out, if they don't report to you, or you don't think they will feel uncomfortable by you asking them out.
• Talking about the size of women's breasts or how hung guys are is not appropriate water cooler discussion topics, not matter what you did last night.
• Strip Clubs are not appropriate places for business meetings, even if you invite both sexes and say "I understand if you don't want to come."
• Our company policy prohibits "intentional touching of the intimate areas of another person." If the touch is unintentional (e.g. because of an alcohol induced state), it's okay.

Please let me know if you have any questions. I will be more than happy to determine if any pictures you receive via forwards are sexually inappropriate or not.

You know you live in a yuppie neighborhood when ...

the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut snack bar in your Target store is being converted into a Starbucks.

The Target Store (aka Targhetto) on Elston, rumored to be the busiest Target store in the country, is eliminating the Italian/Mexican fast food haven for the gentle earth tones and arabican aroma of a Starbucks coffee shop. I guess this means no more Gorditas while shopping for toilet paper and laundry detergent. Instead, shopppers will be sipping Grande non-fat Vanilla Latte while stolling the aisles for Issac Mizrahi ponchos and Michael Graves kitchen utensils.

Our President, The Linguist

As the presidential election approaches, both Senator Kerry and President Bush are madly campaigning to persuade the estimated five percent of the voting American public who are undecided on their choice for president.

On Monday, during a campaign speech in Missouri, President Bush made the following statement:

"Too many good docs are getting out of business," Bush said. "Too many OB-GYNS aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

First off, what the hell was he trying to say? Practice their love with women? OB-GYNS? Is President Bush a dirty pervert? Obviously, Karl Rove and his cronnies need to inform George to NEVER deviate from the teleprompter and/or written speeches. He clearly has no idea what he is saying...

There is no such thing as bad PR

Reality television shows are the new sitcom; it seems that half of the major network's schedules now involve 'real people' trying to find a spouse, being tempting to cheat on their actual spouse, or eating the intestines of a farm animal. I admit, there have been some of these shows that I have watched religiously, but mostly so I can carry on a conversation at the water cooler (especially since football is too confusing for me).

My alma mater, DePauw University in scenic Greencastle, Indiana (scenic meaning miles of farmland, trailer parks and loud pick-up trucks), was selected by NBC as the site of a new reality television show. What an honor, I thought! All the places where I sewed my wild oats (mostly involving large quantities of alcohol) would be broadcast for the whole nation to see! But no, the administration of DePauw, decided not to host the reality TV show! And what would have been the premise - a celebrity would enroll and crew could track his comings and goings a la Anna Nicole Smith. And who was this celeb? Tommy Lee, of both Motley Crue AND Pamela Anderson fame. I am sure Tommy would have enjoyed kickin' it on the porch the SAE house. And I bet he would have been a Comm major.

DePauw gave no justification for their decision not to host the show. Sure, there could be some negative exposure for the University - the fact that everyone but one person drinks, the sorority hazing rituals, and boulder runs, but you can't pay for national network TV exposure. In fact, I am sure every high school student in America would want to attend DePauw after seeing an episode of this planned show. But nope. DePauw remains a school with an identity crisis. Thanks, DePaul.