Going Postal

Ah, it's good to be back in Chicago. One of my rituals after returning home from a long trip is going to pick up my held mail from the Post Office. That would be an easy task in most towns, but in Chicago, it's an adventure. First of all, the post office where I pick up my mail is not really a post office, but a postal sorting facility, that is conveniently open for just 3 1/2 hours, Monday - Friday. And in Chicago fashion, there's no parking but street parking. Fortunately, I was able to find parking with ease this morning, only to find a lady in the lobby yelling at the postal clerk. From what I could gather from the lady's raspy, cigarette-infused voice, the mailman refused to deliver her mail because of her dog. The evil, flesh-thirsty dog would madly bark when the uniformed postal employee would approach the front door, and if it were to happen again, the lady was informed that she would be required to obtain a post office box if she EVER wanted to see her mail again. What kind of dog does this lady own, you ask? A cocker spaniel.

After the canine capers, I proceeded across Clark Street to the oddly placed Best Buy to rectify my iPod situation (see yesterday's post). I'll be honest, I love Best Buy. Just about anything with a plug in my house was purchased there. Aside from their low prices and wide selection of products, I appreciate their return policy when you purchase the service plan. While some people think it's a waste of money, I find it to be an investment in future technology. Anyway, brought my iPod into Best Buy, told them about the battery issue, member of the Geek Squad played around with it for a minute, told me that since the model I had was no longer sold, he would give me the new, improved, fourth generation iPod, with more memory and a longer battery life. Can you see the smile on my face? And, it was fully covered until the warranty.

It's great to be back in Chicago. I was reminded of that on my way to work this morning (well, late morning) when I heard the familiar sound of someone shouting into their cell phone while on the L, explaining to the person the other end of the phone that "I am on the train, so I can barely hear you. Please speak LOUDER." What a warm welcome home.

It's Time to Fly.

Well, I am back at home in Chicago from my Dutch adventures, with a suitcase full of dirty clothes.  Thanks to United Airlines, I was upgraded to business class for my 8 1/2 hour flight home.  Unfortunately, that also means lots of free alcohol.  How can I turn down the glass of champagne that greeted me upon boarding?  Or the bottomless glass of chardonnay  Or the glass of port with dessert.  Three hours into the flight, while everyone else was either sleeping or watching some overrated Brad Pitt film, I was drunk, going to the bathroom every 15 minutes.  Fortunately, that finally turned into just a pounding headache, that finally went away with about an hour left in the flight.

Despite my in-flight abuse of alcohol, I couldn't fall asleep.  Fortunately, I had my iPod with me.  I love my iPod.  They're great - holds 15 MB of music, over a week's worth of different songs.   Even though I had fully charged myPod the night before, it died after just over four hours of use.  So, I listened to "United Pop 40" featuring the 'new' music of Lionel Richie.  Kill me now.

Speaking of airports, they are now shopping malls, especially in Europe.  It makes sense - you have a captive audience who really have no choice but to look around the stores while waiting for their flights.  But who is at the airport and says "wow, there's that Rolex I have been looking for" and spends $5,000 on the spot?  Sure, there is the occasionally person who splurges, but I saw more $10,000 (8,000 euro) watches at Schipol (Amsterdam airport) than at most jewelry stores.  Le bling-bling.

Here Kitty, Kitty

He's back!   After waiting tables and doing 1-800-COLLECT commercials for the last decade, our furry extraterrestrial friend, Alf, appears to be making a real comeback.  Move over Omarosa, Alf has already signed a deal for his own talk show.   Starting in October, I know what I will be watching...

Back to the U.S. of A.

Today is my last day in Europe.  I have spent the past two weeks in The Netherlands at my company's European headquarters.  Overall, it's been a good trip, and aside from spending nearly 18 hours a day with my co-workers, I have relatively few complaints.

On the humorous side of things, I am staying in room 420 at the hotel this week.  Quite the irony, right?  If you see no irony in that, you are not alone.  Neither did a good friend of mine.  Here's the explanation I gave her.

Europeans really do not like George Bush.  I received more than one apology for having him "appointed" as my president.  And they knew that the Democratic National Convention was going on.  Would I ever know if Holland was having an election?

Since I enjoy a variety of different cuisines, I generally adapt pretty well to eating food in different countries (have I ever had a problem finding food to eat?).  The only food that seems to be distinctly Dutch is deep-fried meat products.    I am not sure what the exact ingredients were, but I believe I ate a deep-fried meatball for lunch yesterday.   How I long for the high-quality foods in the U.S. like hot dogs and bologna.

Everyone who works in an office The Netherlands has to have a window in their office, by law.  Apparently natural sunlight is a guaranteed right here.  Obviously, that's not the case in the U.S. or the building where my office is located, the Merchandise Mart, would never have been built.

On an unrelated note, those darn gays are now invading the longest running prime-time cartoon show, The Simpsons.  Is Homer going to leave Marge for Ned Flanders?   We must wait until January...

Delivering a dozen

"Roses" by OutKast is a great song.  After the catchy, though way over-played "Hey Ya!", "Roses" is a fun, follow-up release.   While I don't consider myself a hip-hop fan, OutKast has a distinctive, fun sound.   For those of you who have heard the song, the refrain goes

I know you'd like to thank your shit don't stank

But lean a little bit closer

See that roses really smell like poo-poo, poo

Yeah, roses really smell like poo-poo, poo

My best friend Kim and I have turned "roses" into our code word for "poo, poo, poo."  It sounds much cleaner than "taking a dump" or "dropping the kids off at the pool."  Of course, now there is a poem attached to bathroom time:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I just got out of bed
So I'm taking a poo.

Yes, I am 12 years old, thank you very much.

So, don't call them capris ...

Apparently, my blog posting on capris has created quite a stir, mostly by those who said they would never speak with me again if I wore capris.  I suppose I should hide the two pairs I purchased in France....

Why the outrage?  Why is it okay in Europe for men to wear 3/4rd length pants, but apparently a social taboo in the U.S.?  Personally, there are plenty of men who should wear capri pants rather than the too-short shorts that show off their ugly legs all over town.

Maybe it's the name.  Capri does sound very feminine, likes those long, skinny cigarettes that pseudo-sophisticated women smoke.  Three-quarters-length pants is too cumbersome.  Some options:

• In-betweens
• Messenger Pants (those are they only guys in the States who can legally wear them without a public beating)
• NotQuites
• Y-Nots ... why shouldn't you wear them?

I Love the 90's?

Wham. Pat Benetar. Devo.  Air Supply.  Katrina and the Waves.   The wonderful world of 80's music.  I admit it - I love 80's music.  And when you say 80's music, almost everyone knows what you mean.  Sure, there was some punk rock, and glam rock, but it that was a part of the 80's music phenomenon, much like disco defined the 70's.  In addition to the music, the economic boom of the 80's translated it into be the "me" decade, which prompted lots of wealth creation and consumerism (the economist in me rears its ugly head occasionally - sorry).  Remember the "Material Girl?"

Four years after the close of the decade, VH1 has already produced several episodes of "I Love the 90's".  What artists are featured?  How about Cypress Hill, Garth Brooks, Nirvana, Celine Dion, and Brittney Spears?  Yep.  See any similarities between their music?  Nope, me neither.  I can't deny that there was some great music made in the 90's, especially with the emergence of the Seattle grunge scene the introduction of the passionate, emotional, female vocalist (Tori Amos' Little Earthquakes is still one of my favorite albums).  The key word to describe 90's music is eclectic.  There is no common sound to the 90's, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.  Some listened to grunge.  Some to country. Some to boy bands (yes, Hanson counts).  Unlike the 80's, which has spawned dedicated dance nights at clubs across the country, I don't see the same thing happening with 90's music.

Maybe I am in denial because I feel like the 90's weren't that long ago and to remember them as a 'decade in history' means I am somehow old.  Maybe it's because my friends and I were so obsessed with 80's music during our high school and college years in the 90's that the Billboard 80's collection (1983 rules!) were played more often in our car stereos than Arrested Development or Hootie and the Blowfish.

Long live the 1990's.  It was a great decade, though don't trivialize the music of the decade by calling it all 90's music.

BlackBerry Nation

"BlackBerry Nation--where junior high never stops"  - Chicago Tribune Columnist Eric Zorn in his blog.

The ability to access e-mail, anywhere, anytime is powerful.  But in the middle of a business meeting?  A formal dinner?  Does this mean we are never supposed to have time off?  Or can we just send messages across the table to commiserate about a boring business meeting.

Emily Post - we need some BlackBerry/PDA/Mobile Phone etiquette!

Box of Rocks

I spent the weekend in Nice, France during my two-week European trip.  Based on my grandiose ideas of the French Riveria, I had high expectations.  No one told me that the beach is not made of sand, but rocks.  Yes, rocks.  Not even little stones, but rocks you can throw and break your neighbor's windows.  And, unlike the sprawling beaches I have visited elsewhere, the beaches in Nice are about 20 feet wide - from the pedestrian sidewalk to the water.  Despite the lack of sand, the water was a beautiful blue, and the weather was great (until the rain showers at 4 in the afternoon).

Some random observations:

• Tops are optional for women on beaches in France.  Unfortunately, optional applies primarily to those over the age of 50 and overweight.
• Capri pants are the 'in' thing for men of all ages to wear.  Not quite in the U.S.
• How are the French not the fattest people in the world?  All the Atkins-busting, though oh-so-good baquettes, fresh butter, and whipped cream you could ever want, yet most of the French I saw (well, aside from the women at the beach) were thin.  I need to move here. 
• Glass of Wine - 2 Euros.  Bottle of Coke - 3 Euros.  Bottle of Water - 5 Euros.
• I know why some Americans think the French smell - they don't know how to shower.  The shower in my hotel room consisted of a bath tub with a small hand-held shower head that reminded me of the faucet that hair stylists use to wash your hair at a salon.  With so little water coming out with hardly any water pressure, who would want to spend more that two minutes dealing with that.

And you're a celebrity?

Omarosa as a talk show host?  Since her name is so long ("The Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth Show" is a bit cumbersome), I suggest "The Stupid, Lying Bitch Blab Hour."  I can't think of anything more painful to watch.  How I long for the days of the "Donnie and Marie Show."

After reading about Omarosa's next possible career move, and passively watching an MTV show about the Hilton sisters (I am in Europe and aside from CNN, MTV is the only other channel broadcast in English), I thought to myself, why do I want to hear about them?

They are fake celebrities -- people who seem to have no apparent talent aside from being famous.   US Weekly and Star magazine love them, as do apparently million of Americans who follow their every move.  It even keeps Billy Bush employed on Access Hollywood.

Here's my list of the top 5 non-celebrity celebrities:

1. Omarosa - She was fired twice from The Apprentice!
2. Paris Hilton - yeah, she's rich and likes to party.  Why should I care?
3. Nicole Richie - see above.
4. Pamela Anderson - Great, you have big boobs and had dirty sex with Tommy Lee.  Now what do you want?
5. And not to just pick on the women, Gary Coleman.  Diff'rent Strokes was funny, 20 years ago.   Get a real life. 

Numero Uno / Number One

A Blog.  Yes, I am starting a blog.  After secretly reading several blogs almost obsessively, I decided it was time for me to join the already overcrowded blog market.  Maybe this blog will cause blogging to jump the shark.   Let's hope not.

About the name...
For those of you unfamilar with 19th century American literature, Bartleby is a fascinating character from a Herman Melville short story aptly titled, "Bartleby, the Scrivener: A Story of Wall-street."  As a scrivener, which is a person who duplicates legal documents, Bartleby is stuck in a monotonous job that caters to the wealthy (e.g. lawyers and their clients).  One day, Bartley decides to refuse to work, and responds "I would prefer not to" his boss' requests.  This act of disobedience continues until Bartleby refuses to leave the office premises and is hauled off to jail for trespassing.   You should read the story to find out what happens.

Why did I pick it? 
Whether it's at work, with family or friends, or other times in my live that some things seem so tedious and boring, that Bartleby's infamous phrase "I would prefer not to" comes to mind.  While I certainly don't have anywhere near the drastic intentions that ended up causing the end of Bartleby (please, no interventions!), I decided to funnel some my untapped creative energy into ramblings on the web.  So, instead of taking cigarette breaks (since I don't smoke), or searching the internet (okay, I will still do that), I will be using this blog as my procrasination/motivation tool. 

What do I plan to post here?
Random thoughts, interesting things I read or hear, life's observations, social criticisms, movie reviews, location of weapons of mass destruction, etc.  Pretty much anything that's on my mind while I am writing.

Go ahead, read all you want.  I'll probably write more.